I'm really sorry .

Joseph ,

I miss you so much . Like , at first I thought .. " Oh sure I can do this , I mean .. I'll be happy if this is what makes Joseph happy " .. But then after it really wasn't like that . I mean , I looked back and pretty much re-lived every moment . That time where we started texting each other .. Christmas when I told you how I felt . Those random " You touch yourself to Eric or Rene's picture " .. And the other priceless ones . Like when I uploaded your sleeping picture on the Winter forums .. or when we talked while I was at the airport waiting . Those times where I would randomly call you at night .. But there were always those tiny things I missed . I guess .. I really wasn't the best of friends . I wasn't there for you as much as I thought , and I didn't listen or consider your feelings . I wish I can do back in time and change things , but we all know that will never happen . I would try as hard as I can to listen to everything you say and really consider your feelings and put myself in your place and whatnot . I know it may seem that I'm doing this over and over . I know that I say I'll stop , but my heart feels otherwise . To be honest , I have tried to forget and just move on . But no matter how hard I try , its just not the same . Everyday I wake up and pretty much just start missing you . Like there's something missing inside of me . I'm really truly sorry that I keep bothering you . But .. it hurts inside , to know that I've done something horrible and didn't notice it till it was too late . People keep telling me , " oh it wasn't your fault , he's just being a jerk " .. But in reality its ME who's a jerk . All along I thought I was the good guy . I thought that what I was doing was A-okay . Now I'm facing the world without you by my side . I can't go and run to you .. and its all my fault . I only knew you for a couple months , yet you knew things my close friends don't know about . When I talk to you , I feel like I don't have to hide anything . I don't know . I really don't . Maybe .. maybe I'm just going cray you know ? I'm sorry . I'm sorry for everything . I really wish I was a better friend . From the day I met you I knew there was something different about you . When we became close friends I thought to myself that I'd wanna be friends with you forever . I'm sorry that I wasn't very considerate , and always causing drama . I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry . I just want you to know how sorry I am . I feel so miserable inside for not being the best for you . I'm really sorry about always causing drama . I'm trying to be a better person now . I don't wanna repeat what had happened to us with anyone else . Not only that but I want to change my life and be a happier person . Forreals this time . Not just temporarily happy because of a certain person , but positive and happy . Thanks .. for putting up with all I've done , really .


<3
A

D:

To:

* Joseph

Date:
Jul 21, 2009 7:13 AM

Subject:

;_________;

Body:
I've been up since like 5 , and if I don't do this I'll never be able to live a normal life .

Actually I'm a mess right now , yesterday I cyber raped every guy on my MSN list in the butt with a carrot 5 inches in diameter . But uh , that's not what I wanted to tell you about .

Gah . Joseph .

Your seriously my best friend . I mean , more than a best friend . I tell you everythingggggg . And to be honest I've never had someone I could tell every little thing to . People I call best friends , I just tell them everything but hide the most important stuff to them . I know if I told them I cut or try to kill myself , they would probably drag me to church and do something stupid and embarrassing . Others just tell me not to such stupid things for my *family* . But with you its like , its just different . I can tell you everything and you always listen .


I think what happened wasn't worth it . Right now if I had to pick liking you forever and possibly getting nowhere or being just friends forever and keeping it that way , I think I'd pick just being friends . I mean , I guess there's other guys out there -______- ''' .. but maybe if you and I meet one day .

Uuuuuhuhuh mouth fart eat it .

I'm half asleep .

You , as of right now , are the one person I love with all my heart and I HONESTLY mean it when I say that . Yes , I have said that before to like , everyone , just to win the " I love you more " contest , but I never really meant it . Wow , I just noticed I lie alot . But I would just say it and in my mind I'd be like " Yeah right I'd love you that much " . Its just not possible . But here , you make the impossible possible .

To be honest you look stupid most the time . *cough*Barbiebedsheets . I still have that picture by the way . And your not all that smart . *cough*summerschool . And your not all that fun either . *cough*fallingasleeponme .

LOL .. I forgot where I was going with that .

I actually realized you can't pick who you love .
I can seriously point and laugh at you all day . Maybe walk around saying your gay and touch your self to pictures of Eric and Rene . HAHA .

Wow . I miss you .

I seriously am a mess right now .
Yesterday I overslept , today I woke up a tad too early .
Yesterday I started talking to some dude named Danny and I think I like him . Or maybe I just like raping him in the butt with foreign objects .

And last night I couldn't go to sleep cause I wanted sex .
-______-""

Josephhhhhh . I miss you D:
I can't live without youuu .

I honestly wouldn't be able to live if life went on like this . Cause like , I love youuuuuuuuu . And I need youuuuuuu .

I sound obsessed . Boohoo . D:

See how much of a mess I am .

The reason I went emo the other day , is cause I actually broke up with Ross for good . Cause I really wanted to be with you . I promised myself that I wasn't going to have feelings for other people while I was with him , or I'd have to break up with him for good . Yeah sure he's fat and ugly . But for me to actually stick with him for 4 damn years , ever though we broke up about a billion times . Its kind of unbelievable .

Oh hey look . In 2 days , I've known you for 8 months .

Aghhhh . Okay look Joseph . LOL IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M A BULLY .
OH SHET .

My stuffed animal sheep looks a bit sad . I used to not be able to get to sleep without him , now when I look at him I can cry forever -___-


OKAY LISTEN UGLY .
Haha I'm actually starting to think your hot .
OKAY STOP GETTING ME OFF TOPIC DEMMIT .


-deepbreath-

Do you still *want* to be friends , or should this relationship be done forever ?

If you say its done , I'll say I told you so .
If you can remember , a couple months ago I told you we shouldn't be friends cause I would ruin your life one day .
That's part of the reason I said I regretted meeting you .
Gah , I'm all teary now . I said that cause I've never met anyone like you in my entire life , and to just blow it off was stupid and how much I love you . ;_____________;

I said those other things because if we became friends again I know there was a possibility that It *could* happen again , and if I said all those things maybe you would leave .

So that maybe you could have a better life without me .

-sigh-

So now its up to you to decide .

Whether or not we're going to be friends .

But if you choose not , then I seriously ask you to block me on everything . Cause even I don't wanna have something like this happen again , and I know maybe one day we'll find someone else . So yeah .

I know how lazy you can get , so I hope you read this ENTIRE thing .

I really do love you with all my heart .
BELIEVE IT .

Ewww Naruto .
I have school . Bye Joseph <3

Lul

Jul 13, 2009 8:46 PM
Joseph .

I have to be honest with you .
When I say I love you , I mean it . I really do .

Your the one that I can't stop thinking about . I know it seems like I like Evan and stuff , but I guess that's just me trying too hard . I keep trying to get back what me and him had , thinking that if things went back to what they were he'd like me .

But no matter what I do , nothing changes . I just gets worse everytime and then I always end up running back to you .

Only yesterday I thought " Wow , this is pointless . At first he acted sweet and missed me at times . Then we were just ' Best friends for life ' . Now were ' Friends for life ' "

It fucking hurts and I'm so tired of it already .



I wish I could get away from all my feelings .
I wish I had the ability to NOT like people .

Lol getting off topic . D:


Sheepy .
Your the one .. I can't wait to talk to everyday .
The one I cry over when I don't hear from you .
The one I can't get of my head .


I just wanted you to know that .
I don't expect feelings back , I just wanted to get this all out .


I love you .